On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
