Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
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