I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
