And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
