A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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