Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
