Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
