I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
