I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
