I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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