Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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