Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
