Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
