Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
