I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
