You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
