I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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