Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
