it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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