I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
