Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize