2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
