apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
