I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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