i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
