How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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