Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
