I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
