i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
