I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
