i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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