Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
