I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
