the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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