How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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