I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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