I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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