my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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