I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
