i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
