I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We named our party play list daddy issues
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
