Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
