I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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