Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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