Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize