Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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