she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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