Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
