I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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