I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
