Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
