I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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