Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
