i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
