my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
