I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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