So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
